Tuesday, November 18, 2014

My summer in pictures..

They're a little out of order, and I've decided to let them be self-explanatory.. let's just say, it was a good one :)

that love thang..

It's a typical evening. I've just gotten off work a couple hours ago, showered, and successfully dilly-dallied around until it's past time for me to go to bed. But instead, I want to write. I'm not sure what about though. It's not that I don't have enough, it's that I have too much. You know, like when you feel like you could burst with emotion and just want someone or something to hear you out for goodness sake. Well, here it goes.

Several ideas float through my head, and two very strong emotions make their presence in my chest. 

Love <and pain>. Two-sides of the same coin. It's strange isn't it? And isn't interesting the way we've screwed it up? It possesses incomparable power, and is probably the greatest force on earth...

Oh good, Merlin agrees with me.. (great movie btw).

ANYWAY, it's no wonder in our imperfect, selfish world, we are constantly walking around hurting one another and being hurt. And the worst part is, we almost always hurt most the ones we love the most! The other Sunday, I went with some good friends to a church service in Manhattan. The sermon was spot on. He talked about human desires that we were created with, with intent to be fulfilled. For example, the desire for intimacy and greatness. We all want these things, but always try to fill in the "void" with something else...
 I can't help but feel that the desire we want most is to love and be loved. If we don't feel this it's the most soul crushing, empty feeling ever. The point of the sermon was to continually give these desires back to God so that He can fulfill them. I think we most often choose not to however, out of disbelief. We don't really believe God can do what He says.

 I think He can.

He never said life would be easy, or painless, but He did say He would always be here, ready to help us through it. Sometimes, we just need to allow ourselves to feel what we need to feel and cry out to God or maybe even be angry at Him, as long as we ultimately open our hearts and our hands back up to Him to receive His healing love. 

It's amazing the things we will do; the drugs we will ingest, the beautiful body we will mutilate, the bitter heart we will create, all in an effort to avoid pain. Maybe we just need to start believing that God can handle what we have to give Him. I think as soon as He begins to heal us, and we begin to loosen our grip on the offense or offender that created our pain (sometimes being ourselves), we will be able to love others a little more purely, and without as much expectation. 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Black Hole.

Do you remember, say 5th grade, learning about the "Black Hole"? This big, bizarre, mysterious and ominous presence in our universe? I remember very little about it, except that it was obviously present, but not well understood. Well, last night, as I laid in bed, I felt what I can only describe as a black hole somewhere deep in my chest. I think that most of the time I avoid or ignore its throbbing sensation, but last night, I let it be. 

I compare the feeling to that of a black hole because I really don't understand it. It hurts. But not in a stabbing sort of way, in more like a throbbing, aching, and haunting sort of way. I'm also not sure what provokes it. I know it must have something to do with my ex-husband/ divorce, but I can't seem to figure out which parts of those topics I'm lamenting. I am also not sure if it is sadness, anger, confusion, or loneliness. I think it is a bit of it all. There is a particular kind of loneliness that I believe you can only experience after being married. The reason I say this is, in what other circumstance do you give your entire self, life, and future to the graces of one sole person? 

I know that not all people experience what I am now experiencing. Some can carry on and move on without hardly missing a beat. Not me. In the very depths of my soul I made a promise, not just to my (ex) husband, but to God and to myself. How do I reconcile to myself a promise that I held with true honest conviction? Divorce has proved to be a devastating part of my life, and I am sill feeling the repercussions. I may have married the wrong man, and I may have acted poorly as a wife, but the truth is, I gave my whole heart to one person and it has made me a fool.

Thursday, March 20, 2014


In the past few months I have found myself drifting back to this particular topic- Community. I have contemplated our intrinsic desire for it, and, at times, our desperate need for it. It is simply fascinating to me the way we were designed to need one another. Now, I realize there are always exceptions.. Monks living solitary lives in the deep woods or mountain men living deep in the, well, mountains.. but don't they normally sort of lose it? In general, I believe that we were made to rely on one another whether we like it or not. 

We not only rely on one another for procreation, but for deep, meaningful relationship. Just the other day, after a rough start to my day, I talked to one of my good friends Elena from Dallas, it completely changed my day around. After chatting about relatively meaningless subject matter, we began to share with one another some of our real struggles and difficulties. I left the conversation feeling heard, understood, and not so alone. It's the best feeling ever, right? 

I have these conversations on the regular with my close friends and family. I always seem to discover that we really aren't that different after all. Whether they are struggling with a relationship with (fill in the blank), how to raise their kids, a past experience, or whatever the struggle is, in some way we are always able to empathize and connect with one another. This is why I think our Creator is so incredibly brilliant. He instilled in us the power to encourage, touch, and love one another in tremendous ways (and with it the power to destroy). It is no wonder why Jesus spoke so much of loving your neighbor.. Galatians 5: 14 says, "The entire law is summed up in a single command: Love your neighbor as yourself." Galatians 6:2, "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." 

We are called to share in joys and sorrows and extend love, hope, and occasionally, a swift kick in the ass to one another. It's a beautiful thing.

We simply thrive more vibrantly when we thrive together.

These are some of the beautiful women that have made all the difference to me.. 

Allie and Lauren. It's their fault I'm weird.

Elena, Dallas.

Merily, Dallas.

Stasia, Manhattan. Also, contributed to my weirdness.

Sister. Poor thing is stuck with me.

Skye and Carolyn, Austin.

Mumsie. Also stuck with me.

Megan, I don't have a picture of you but don't think for a minute you're not in on this mushy blog post. Love you all!!!

Sunday, March 2, 2014


Every day is filled with distraction. Some days, we may not even know what we are being distracted from. A sense of urgency may be pressing us, for really no reason at all. Most of the time, we are weighted by our own idea of what our life should look like, or what we want it to look like in the future...

I think this is a struggle for most people, and I have really only discovered one way to fight it.


With one simple change of perspective, life becomes beautiful, just as it is. Unfortunately, most of the time we realize the things we have to be grateful for after their place in our lives has been threatened. The other day, I realized I was trapped in the cycle of worry. Once one left, another would follow. I realized that no matter how well life may be going, there will almost always be something to stew about.
What am I going to do with my life?
What will my life look like in 5 years?
Will I get married again?
Will I ever have babies?!

Whew, it's exhausting. But when I think about it, I have SO much. I have my health; that's huge. I have my family. I don't know what I would do without them. With those two things intact, everything else just becomes a bonus.

That is how I want to view my life- a bonus. 

It's like good old John said, "Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world."
-John Milton

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Kansas Sky

This is the display that greeted me the other day on my way to work. It was just another moment of beauty that transcended my typical daily routine.

It reminded me of what Sheldon Vanauken says in his book, A Severe Mercy, "To be in love, as to see beauty, is a kind of adoring that turns the lover away from self."

Kansas, you've still got it.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Quiet Calm.

Is often forgotten.
In a culture, a world that never stops,
We many times cease to pause. 
Yet we are met with moments that beckon us.
Like the quiet calm of morning 
After a night-long snow.
The world finally takes a deep breath,
And all angst softly falls away.
I can do nothing more than to stand in awe,
Of the glory that is our present day.